I posted this on my instagram a few weeks ago, and I was really scared and nervous about it. At the same time though, it was a little freeing.
“This is my messy middle. I heavily debated whether or not to post this. We focus so much on putting the most exciting things in our lives on social media and we avoid anything REAL. I’m guilty of this from time to time, but for the most part, I keep it real. I’m generally a happy and positive person, and I don’t dwell on the negative. Today I had bloodwork and an ultrasound done for the 10th time in the past five weeks. My arm has had a tinge of yellow and green to it this past week from Monday’s needles. Infertility sucks. No one talks about it not because they’re ashamed but because people have a tendency of saying really hurtful and unhelpful things. I don’t have the energy to talk about it because it’s so emotional. It’s one area of my life I have absolutely no control over and it’s humbling.
It’s teaching me grace. Patience. It’s showing me how to be a better communicator with my husband.It’s helping me in the relationship I’m trying to find with God. It reminds me that things aren’t always as it seems and that overall life IS good even when we think it’s not. It’s not perfect by any means and some days I really, TRULY struggle and am mad at everyone, but this life is good and it’s mine and I’m learning to be grateful despite all the things that I wish were different in my life.
So. There it is. Embrace the messy middles because when we see the “afters” in our life we can see how truly far we have come! EVERY day is a work in progress 🙂”
Since that post on instagram, I have had more appointments, and fears that I’m throwing 800 dollars a month in the trash. Yet, there’s still hope, and as long as I feel that sense of hope, I know it’s worth it. That I’m doing the right thing.
Dealing with infertility has shaken me to my core. It’s made me question a lot of things about who I am, especially with my identity as a woman. But I know there’s a bigger picture. I know I’m not the only one who has experienced these struggles, and that doesn’t make it easier, but it helps me keep things in perspective.
My entire life is a work in progress, and sometimes it’s pretty, and sometimes it’s ugly. That’s what makes it fun, because the only thing that is constant, is change. I heard from Katelyn James recently that you can’t impact the lives of others if you don’t let them into your life. So this is me, trying to let people see more of who I really am, because someday I want to make an impact on this world. Infertility is something that I’ve been holding close to me. Sharing what I’m going through doesn’t mean that I want to talk about it necessarily all the time, but I think it’s important to be real, and share the struggles sometimes because you never know if it’s going to help someone else.
It’s all about how you present it and looking for the silver lining. And those silver linings? That’s choosing positivity, and positivity is a huge part of who I am.
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Hugs! Infertility is so frustrating but you are doing the right thing by continuing to “live” life by sharing adventures with your hubby. Your life is not on hold while waiting for a baby, it’s just in progress. People say stupid and hurtful things, but it’s only because they don’t understand as they’ve never been in your shoes. Someday when you look back, you will take comfort in the strength and patience you developed to get through this hurdle, and somehow, you both will get through it.
I love you Sweetie! I can’t imagine how it feels to be going through this, but I know that the universe has a plan, and one way or another you and Steven will become parents. Wonderful, loving, fun parents!
sending you lots of love!
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