Day 20 – Get real. Share something you’re struggling with right now

There’s nothing more in the world right now, that I want, than to have a child with my husband. We are so incredibly ready to be parents in every way possible. We can’t wait to have a little curly headed child running around to take rock climbing, or bike riding, or to learn how to use a camera. There are so many life lessons that I can’t wait to be a part of, and I can’t wait to share something so intimate and special as having a child with Steven.

We’ve been trying for almost a year now with a break somewhere in the middle. Back in December I decided that I would finally see a doctor to figure out what the issue is, because I’ve had some issues with my body for a long time and just ignored them. Test after test, and hundreds of dollars later (even WITH health insurance – thankfully) it turns out I have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS) which makes it super duper difficult to get pregnant on our own.

A part of me feels as though I’ve failed at being a woman. I mean, the one thing that is unique to a woman to be able to do is have children, and I can’t seem to do it on my own. To me, it feels like I’m cheating (which of course only applies to me – this is not how I view people who need help at all!!) when I finally have to take fertility drugs or something to help us conceive a child we already love and can’t wait to have. Not to mention, it significantly increases my chances of twins, and I’m not sure how to handle that if it happens!

I’m not stressed about it, surprisingly, but sometimes, I just get really down about the whole thing. I’m SO happy for all the people I know who are having babies and getting pregnant, but sometimes, I just can’t help but wonder when it’ll finally be MY turn. Our turn.

I can honestly say, that this is the only thing I’m struggling with right now.

I know that it will happen when my body is ready and when its meant to happen, but the planner in me has a hard time just waiting for things to happen without a plan.

When it does happen, it’ll make all of this a thing of the past, and SO worthwhile.

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