Happy First Birthday, Lily!

They warned me that even though the pregnancy test was positive, they might not be able to see anything on the screen yet, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t pregnant. She started the ultrasound and within seconds I heard, “I see a heartbeat!” and then I lost it. I started to cry so hard and so many emotions started to flood out of me. By the end of the ultrasound, they were able to tell me that I was seven weeks and two days pregnant.

Lily, that was when I first felt the realness of being your mom. I didn’t talk about you much again until we got to HEAR your heartbeat, because I was so worried that I was just going to stop being pregnant. That after everything we had gone through to get pregnant, it couldn’t really be real.

But then we heard your heartbeat at 12 weeks and I started to plan a future with you in my mind, and I was completely overjoyed.

Did you know it’s been 365 days since you came into this world?

365 days that you’ve made us SO incredibly happy! You are the sweetest little girl.

I love the way you laugh at nothing, and when you smile with your whole face.

I love how much you enjoy books.

I love how much you love your daddy.

I love how curious you are and the serious look you get on your face when you’re observing what’s going on.

I adore how silly you are at meal times.

And I love splashing with you at bathtime.

I love to watch you play independently and listen to you whisper as you work through each toy.

Lily, I just LOVE you with my whole entire heart and soul.

So many times I’ve second guessed myself and felt like I was failing you, but it’s always in those moments that you crawl into my lap and give me a hug while you snuggle for a second before moving on, or when you learn something new that reminds us that we are all doing okay.

I knew that you were going to grow up and get older. Logically, I knew that’s just what happens. But emotionally, I didn’t realize how unprepared I was for this. This last week I’ve secretly been an emotional wreck because I’m so damn proud of how much you’ve grown, but I’m also a little sad to know that this is just another signal to me that you’re not that little newborn baby anymore. As much as I look forward to all the greatness this next year will hold for us, I long for those days where you would fall asleep in a milk coma and snuggle on my chest for hours. I absolutely treasure each phase of your life, and I am so so thankful that I’ve been able to be home with you for your first year of life!

There will never be enough words to tell you how incredible I think you are! But I can always try to tell you and show you just how much I love you and how grateful I am for your presence in our lives. You’re the best thing that’s been mine, sweet girl.